It becomes so simple when you write it down. 1

Why am I not better today? This question has been swirling through my head since I woke up this morning.

Last night I felt like I was drowning, drowning the sea of life with nowhere to swim – I feel like everything is fault and that everything & nothing is wrong at the same time. There is a war inside my head, a chemical imbalance; one part being rational and the other reminding me that I am horrible, I am losing, and there is no way out.

Most of the time I can put this cheeky chemical bitch to the side and see past her; but this has been a mounting pile of nothing & everything.

FACTS;

I am in a horrible flare + stress over said flare + pain (stress over pain) + joint immobility (stress over not moving) (I have started falling again from the left side locking up) + the everything & nothing (to me this is the fight of the irrational and rational, I can look at you and say – I’m fine – everything is in order for me; but inside I feel like everything is tearing at the seams) – James (who tells me the rational things & tries to cuddle away the bad thoughts) – L (my amazing BFF who sympathizes and coaches me through) – my amazing parents/James pop (my parents know that I struggle with this, they are always there).

I want to be better.

I went to the gym last night, I know I went because my muscles are screaming & I can see messages from my coach. I cannot tell you what I did there. I went through the motions. The gym typically saves me from these feelings, how do I dig out of this invisible hole? Let’s talk about it.

My anxiety comes from emotional and physical neglect as a child, from my mom and her side of the family. My mom is dead. She passed on 1/1/11; at 1030 am. I was contacted by my aunt at 630pm; this was the first contact I had, had with that side of the family (besides my mom) in about 13 years. Since the funeral there has been no contact with them.

I am the only offspring of my mom and dad.

I feel extreme guilt over not being there when she passed, not telling her I forgave her, not telling her that everything was going to be ok. I am great example of a codependent. I enable, and apologize; for other people’s actions – I apologized as a child for my mom’s alcoholism, at times even covering it up. I covered up her actions. I was the adult.

What this has left me with is an extreme excessive reliance on other people for approval and my identity. I work through this, 2x a week.

Why do I share this?! It is a huge part of where my Lupus triggers come from; right now, it is a sad cycle that I am trying to get out of….

I want to be better.

STRESS = FLARES; Controlled Fire = Regrowth; *anxiety = irrational STRESS; Codependency = STRESS

I want to be better.

The sun is out.

I might not be in the SPOONIE drawer, but I am under a cloud that I need to go away. I’m not perfect, I’m a fighter but I do have days where I get stuck. I guess that’s also why I share this, I don’t want to lie to you – not every day is Lilies. Some days the Controlled Fire needs emergency help, because the flames jump to good branches.

I am smiling now.

Lupus = immune system attacks healthy tissue

Anxiety = irrational thoughts attack my healthy thoughts

It’s so simple really when you write it down.

I want to be better.