I’m going to be ok. You’re going to be ok. It’s going to be ok. I’ve been telling myself a variation of this statement all day; to get through the day.
Aside from Lupus, I also suffer from crippling anxiety – the worry, nervousness/unease and apprehension – this does include compulsive behavior and panic attacks. The distress and fear can be overwhelming, and at time interfere with my ability to lead a normal day. I suffer side effects of panic disorder, feelings of terror that strike suddenly without warning; and social anxiety disorder, the overwhelming worry and self-consciousness about everyday interactions.
Along with this I have a mild depression, which is a spin-off of the anxiety.
Studies have shown that this can be inherited or caused from environmental factors (trauma or significant events).
I have aided and abetted this attack, I have not taken my anti-anxiety meds in a week – because I keep on forgetting to get my refill. Don’t worry, today I did.
Along with meds, I also see a professional 2x a week. She believes my anxiety is from childhood trauma and inherited from my mother.
Dear reader – this is the first time I am being open without the safety net of the few loved ones who understand my anxiety. Why today?! Because… as Jakes Mannequin pegged it –
Today was a day like any other….
Today I woke up and wished I could curl up into a ball and disappear. Today I was drowning in the sea of life, unable to cope and be a part of things. Getting into my car to go meet my counterpart for work was met with crippling fear. Waiting for her at Starbucks was met with a panic attack that had tears (for no reason) streaming down my face.
Why today?! Because this is a semi-normal feeling for me. I know I am not alone in this feeling.
I hate when people talk to me. I’m not good at small talk, chit chat, meaningless conversation; they all drive me crazy and leave me utterly shaken. The gym is hard for me. This is a sea of unwanted interactions, hellos & smiles, small talk and come-ons. Medicated, I handle these pretty well – I over compensate through being the smiliest, bubbliest, and chattiest small talk winner.
If only, if only people knew how hard it was – how I sit in the car and have to prepare for interactions. How spending an hour or two at the gym overwhelms me. How I sometimes have to look around for my safety net, James; to make sure that everything is ok.
Today, I woke up wanting to disappear… I worked, I worked out and I would give myself a C for the day – I am in bed at 630pm typing this blog. Surrounded my dogs. I picked up my meds, and took my pill; but it’s not a miracle – I’m still frustrated and consumed by the panic.
There is such a stigma in the US about mental disease. Its taboo to talk about, to admit; but we should not be afraid.
Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health illness in the US. Affecting 40 million adults 18+; 18% of the population.
I love this post …. not because I am glad to hear that you have these feelings, but because reading these words was like reading what I would write in my own journal. You are not alone in these feelings, not alone in your mental and physical pain. I know it feels that way because it feels like I’m fighting alone most of the time. I guess I just wanted to say that I wholeheartedly support what you wrote because I have all of of those problems and feelings. My mom is still alive, but we haven’t spoken in a long time. she was cold and hateful to me for all of my life and I believe that is where my anxiety and self-loathing and depression come from. And believe it or not, I too have to be medicated to handle the gym, except I generally get beaten by the anxiety to the point that I don’t even bother trying to go. I am overwhelmed and drained from the social interaction and focrced smiles and chit chat that I desperately want to avoid. *hugs*