Baggage. I’ve been thinking a lot about baggage lately.
No – not my work bag, purse, lunch bag and gym bag… but the emotional bags that we carry every day that add to our struggles. Like my insecurity satchel and the I’m not good enough carry on with its matching mom/abandonment makeup bag.
6 years ago, yesterday was when ½ my mother’s ashes were put to rest, the ground was too solid before then… she passed on 1/1/2011.
I only remember this day, when I am reminded of the day. Once reminded my head overflows with the thoughts/feeling/emotions; this day I gained back my independence – but lost a part of myself.
Small background; my grandmother did not want me to be a part of this day. She was frustrated to find out that as the next of kin I had to approve the burial. It meant I had to be contacted, notified and sign off on everything. She went as far as to tell the funeral director that I was estranged and he shouldn’t try to contact me – but rules are rules and he did.
So, I went.
Why?!?
Closure.
I needed myself back. 6 years ago, my mother died. She passed at 1030am, was found at 1230pm and I was finally called at 700pm. 6 years ago, I was partially released, but I needed to be fully released. I needed to put down one of my bags.
We all carry bags with us… weighing ourselves down, creating problems with new relationships and destroying our bodies. The body will begin to suffer physical symptoms from unresolved emotional feelings. The more baggage that is left packed the worse it becomes for the body. Aside from the emotional issues with depression and anxiety, we see physical damage… heart disease, body pains, high blood pressure, weight gain/loss, ulcers, asthma, some cancers…
As someone who suffers from an immune deficiency disease, holding emotions in affect my immune system. As I’ve said since the beginning…
STRESS = FLARES
So, I unpacked a bag 6 years ago yesterday. I went to the burial and I released myself from them. At the end when we were leaving, they invited me to lunch and I told them; we don’t have to pretend anymore. You haven’t wanted me/contacted me for 15 years, the only link I had to you is gone; we are done. I left.
Sometimes this bag crops up and ruins my mojo, and I do my best to unpack it and close the drawers.
We are a collection of our past experiences, traumas, events and relationships; being able to express the uncomfortable feelings is healthy. Unpacking the bags through conversation and sharing is healthy. You cannot change the past but you can change how you choose to let it dictate your future.
Yesterday was hard.
Yesterday I was in a strange place.
Yesterday I wanted to hermit in and wallow.
Yesterday I went to the gym, kicked my shoulders and backs ass.
Yesterday I made a dinner from scratch for my family.
Yesterday I unpacked the bag and lived my life.
Yesterday I leaned on my support system.
You’ll never walk alone, never ever walk alone. Elvis.