I don’t get it. Did my hair get flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? Whats wrong with me? NOTHING – this is my new normal.

20170424_185454The relief of being honest. Honest with yourself and others around you. Today’s post was meant to be something very different than what I am going to share, but I was so inspired by L this morning that I had to change my train of thought.

So… Here it goes…

I am sick.

I suffer from Lupus which created… kidney failure, CAD, inflammation and anxiety. These all have easy and crippling symptoms/side effects.

I hurt. I have chronic pain.

I hide my pain to make others more comfortable.

I used to hide my pain from myself to make myself feel more normal. I used to hide my anxiety to make myself feel more normal. But here’s the deal. I know my body/mind is messing with me, but that doesn’t mean I can stop it, L said this to me this morning and you know what? She is so right! So true, honest and to the point.

My body hates me some days. How do I know that it hates me, that is the very meaning of Lupus – it’s a chronic illness in which the body’s immune system mistakenly attacks my healthy tissue. Mine attacks my kidneys, my heart, my joints and my mind. There is no cure.

There is no cure.

I will be sick the rest of my life. I will have periods of flares and remission and pain. Hiding this from others and myself was a mistake.

This is my new normal.

I tried to powerlift way past when I should have stopped because I was hiding from myself. I competed and got more injured because I was trying to do something that isn’t my new normal. My last powerlifting competition was in June 2016, during my bench my arch put pressure on my kidney which was already flaring up, and I ended up pulling out of my 3rd attempt. I spent the rest of the bench portion in a room crying with my dad, the pain was too much. Pain is overwhelming.

I finished deadlifting, but it was such a low weight that I was disappointed in myself. I pulled what I pull for reps on a lift day.

I still got 3rd.

I cried. I cried for weeks after this. Was my life over?

Heck No – I was being dumb. Being honest with myself came first. I couldn’t do what I could before. That’s ok. I started to come to terms with my new normal. Then I had to find a coach who understood my pain, my illness and my flares. Being honest with my support group and then others has led me to water and I am able to drink.

I am sick.

I will be sick the rest of my life.

There is no cure.

I’m ok.

Hiding this makes it a burden on me. BURDEN = STRESS; STRESS = FLARES.

Hiding any disease/illness will put a burden onto you. Being open frees you and allows others to understand. There is nothing wrong with anyone’s normal.

As Cher said in Clueless; I had to haul ass to the kitchen, rearrange some things and the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier…

I’m proud of me. I’m proud of what my body can do. I’m proud of what my mind can do.

L thank you for the change in today’s blog – I am proud of you. You are an amazing, loving, talented, inspiring and motivating person. I am lucky to have you in my life, as more than a friend – but family.

Lifting with Lupus – Over the next few days I will talk about my new normal and lifting with everyday Lupus symptoms and side effects!


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