Learning to love myself…. with a mind that hates it’s body.

I weighed myself this morning and I didn’t cry.

I weighed myself this morning and I didn’t get angry.

I weighed myself this morning and I haven’t yet obsessed over it.

I weighed myself this morning and I didn’t freak out.

I weighed myself this morning and became determined…

The scale is a cheeky bitch and I hate her. She usually finds a way to completely destroy my day, but not today. Why? I have no idea – wish I knew.

I have 65 days to feel beautiful and comfortable in my wedding dress, which I just ordered yesterday! But last night as James and I were talking, it occurred to me that, yes I want/need to cut a bit; but I feel beautiful in my skin.

This is a completely new concept to me.

Let’s dive right into that…. Aside from childhood stuffs and blah blah blah blah + being a competitor has given me a case of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)….

BDD, the awesome mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. This developed as a pre-teen/teen for me but then grew more obsessive the more I had to concentrate on weight.

I hate not feeling in control, I have OCD tendencies, Anxiety/Panic disorder, Depression issues and BDD; some of this runs in my family and some is from childhood. I see a therapist 3x a week and I medicate to be a people, this is all to work on the OCD, Anxiety and Depression – there is no cure for these or BDD. There is no off switch.

I’ve had eating disorders. I’ve been self-harming. I’ve been suicidal. I’ve been destroyed.

I will be medicated the rest of my life to curb the “bad thoughts”.

I will be medicated the rest of my life to be able to people.

Today I feel triumphant…. I peeked at the number on the scale – and let it go. I didn’t do my normal cry in the bathroom, try to hide in bed all day, decide that I was not going to eat for awhile, or obsess – stare in the mirror for hours allowing my mind to see what it’s going to see.

I don’t see myself how other people see me. My reflection doesn’t look, to me; how my body really looks. I am fixated on my belly, even if there isn’t one – to be honest, typing this; I honestly don’t know if I do or not.

I see one, my head sees one – James tells me I don’t have one (but my mind doesn’t hear that) – my parents tell me I don’t have one (but my mind doesn’t hear that)… It’s useless to tell me that this obsession doesn’t exist.

This morning, I told myself; you need to weigh in – you need to know…. But don’t let it own you. It’s a number. Don’t let it own you.

It’s 8:24 am…

I weighed at 6:30…

Let’s see if the good thoughts stay all day, or if the nagging bits from my nugget sneak up and eat me alive.

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