Today SUCKS!
I’ll be honest, everything in me from the time I woke up to well now is screaming. I’m doing an ok job of ignoring the yelling in my brain; from the exhaustion, the pain and the overall feeling of ICK. I really did not want to own today, I’ve been in a flare for a bit.
My body is on fire and my insides feel like they are melting. Just little tasks like walking my dogs hurt my body….. this leads to stress too. There is always a moment during a long flare where I think to myself – what if this is the moment when it gets worse. What if this is the day when my body just quits being a solider and fails me, James reminds me on these days that I’m just having a pity party and I always feel this way in a flare.
That’s the thing about flares, the bad moments feel like they last forever and you forget about the good moments. I often, in the throw of extreme pain, forget that there is sunshine helping me grow past this flare.
Yesterday I was put on some new meds, oh joy; since some of my numbers are completely down and need to be reset. The great thing is that the pills I am temporarily on give me the worst side effects, they start in the pit of my stomach and move to my inflamed muscles and joints. They make my body feel like it’s on fire, burning the joints and my organs; toasting them to the point of melting. I feel weak and wilted.
So instead of focusing on that pain this morning, I am trying to focus on the fire…. Fire can be renewing, right. Park rangers oversee controlled burns to restore life to forests. Fire can revitalize woodlands… through removing underbrush that chokes, thinning dense growth and providing a foothold for a wide variety of plants and young trees.
Controlled Fire = renewed change
New Drugs = renewed change, fixing levels to be normal = making me better
I am viewing my doctors as the park rangers (so was my pop for a while!!) they are overseeing the controlled dose to restore life back to me.
I am not a spoonie, waiting for these drugs to limit my day, counting what I can accomplish today. I am a LILY, being created by killing that bad around me to let me see the sun again.
So like every Friday – I am at work, I’ll hit the gym later – and I’ll get the house ready for our weekend guests… this fire is a small price to pay to be renewed.