As Superchic(k) coined it… Though it won’t be today, Someday I’ll hope again. And there’ll be beauty from pain, you will bring beauty from my pain.
James has family in town, for like only 24 hours; why am I in this flare!?
My flares, for background; a story;
Lupus has created a war within my kidneys, Leftie hates the rest of my body; er he loves the rest of my body so much that he is fighting to kill all the good (he sees as bad tissue) within himself. Like Kidney Disease, my lil guy doesn’t create enough EPO when we are flaring, EPO tell the bone marrow to make red blood cells. This leads to Anemia.
This is where it gets tricky, since Leftie is having a rough day – my body is making less EPO = anemic results. So my organs, mostly the heart; gets less oxygen. My heart already has a rough go of it, so… yay!
With this I get ESA injections and pills to help stimulate RBC growth.
This is where it gets really really fun… the pain of the regrowth, mixed with the pain from the Lupus, mixed with the exhaustion from painsomnia, mixed with the flare pain creates a recipe for disaster.
This is the only tie I have to Spoonies…. Sometimes I need to listen to my body. This morning I made it through my workout, and I started the day ok; but the late morning I was in so much pain that I couldn’t function as a people anymore. Most days I force myself to move. Today was not that day.
Like I mentioned yesterday Controlled Fire = Renewed Growth. The term there I did not think about was CONTROLLED… to determine the behavior or supervise the running of. Park rangers oversee the Controlled Fire, like them I need to oversee my pain – this means that sometimes I need to take myself out and do what my skin sack needs.
Today, she needed to not be moving, to try and sleep, to try and repair. Some days the only reprieve I get from the pain are the few moments when I can sleep. If that means a nap in the middle of the day, even when family is all around; then that is what I have to do.
I say this because I want to share, I have days where I have to listen to my body and sleep – I have days where I need to Control the Fire and prepare for the beauty. I am still a LILY, looking for the goodness and growing strong. Though today I stayed in the drawer, tomorrow I will walk in the sun.