I am not waiting to live life…. 1

As I have said in almost every post; STRESS = FLARES!

Last night, I had an organ flare up like no other, and you know what I did; succumbed to the pain and allowed myself to be weak/to be sad/to let it own me.  Yes, though I talk about not letting the negatives own us, I too have moments of weakness.  I am human.

Last night, James and I were walking the dogs and not even a block away from the house my innards were ON FIRE.  It felt like talons were trying to rip me open from the inside, with flaming claws and determined faces.  I turned around to go home, because there was no way I was going to make the rest of the trip.  As I walked back home, feeling completely defeated; I started to cry – scratch that – tears streaming down my face so fast that my eyesight was blurry.

I got home, I took a shower; the whole time wondering what was wrong with me.  This is where I get into a flare pattern, instead of thinking positively I focus on the negative, become upset and allow myself to become more stressed.  These are the weak moments when I think of myself as a “spoonie”.  These are the moments when I hate myself/hate my illness/hate me pain – this does no good but to cause more stress.

STRESS = FLARES, STRESS FROM FLARE + Regular Stress = Longer FLARE.

For me; Stress from FLARE also = defeated JJ = I beat myself up.

This is where I need to realize that bad things can happen, and though I try (SO HARD) I cannot be strong every minute of every day.  It is ok to have a moment of weakness, the amount of pain I am in allows me to have a moment or 2 of silence.  But I am not allowed to let it consume me.  Let it eat me alive and turn me into something I am not.

I am a LILY (more on that tomorrow) not a SPOONIE; I am not waiting to live – I am living to see the good in every day.  I am not sitting counting what I can do for the day, I am doing everything I want; sometimes there are limitations.

The comments and feedback I have received over this blog have been nothing but supportive!  They have also thanked me for bringing light to a situation/illness that so many people do not understand; with this in mind I am happy to share the good and the bad.  Thank you for all the support!