Chronic pain is not your own… walk – give it away. 5

Pain.

Endless pain.

Chronic pain.

Pain is a distressing feeling often caused by intense or damaging stimuli.  Pain is a feeling triggered in the nervous system; you may feel it as a prick, tingle, sting, burn or ache.  Chronic pain is defined as any pain lasting more than 12 weeks.

Chronic pain persists.

Chronic pain is a personal and subjective experience.  There is no test that can measure and locate this pain.  My doctors rely on my description of the type, timing, and location of my pain – if it sharp/dull, constant/on-and-off, or burning and aching.

I have a pain history book that reads like a novel.

I am angry.

There is not a day I get to experience that is pain free.  There is not a day I get to live that I do not have immobility, joint swelling or the feeling of talons trying to rip my insides apart.

My pain is an epic battle, a war within my tissues.  Lupus, at its core; is myself attacking itself thinking that it’s attacking something unhealthy.  It’s like trying to stay afloat, but finding that there are rocks tied to my ankles.  Once on rock is released another replaces it.  There is no release.

There is no freedom from this pain.

I am angry.  Anger is a response to a threatening situation.

Like I feel my pain, I feel my anger – it flows through my body.

I am angry, angry that I am sick.  Angry that I am in pain.

Do you wake up in pain?  Are you able to stretch off the night’s tightness and be a people?  I’m not.  There is no relief from this pain.  So I walk.

What?!?! Walk?!?!

I force myself to walk.  As someone very close to me recommended, the closer to sunrise – to get my mind right, pray, and give it all to God.  So like a Lily, I venture out with my dogs and move.  It’s a short walk, but it relieves my anger; which fuels my pain and I push it all as far away as I can.  I focus on giving it all away, consider the lilies of the field – how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin.

I try my best to give my pain away.  To give my anger away.

There can be freedom from this pain.

I’m diving in, I’m going deep, in over my head I want to be.  Caught in the rush, tossed in the flow, in over my head I want to go.  The rivers deep, the rivers wide, the rivers water is alive.

James has helped me change.  His family has helped me change.

I am more than my pain.

I am more than my anger.

Lupus sucks, pain sucks, and anger blows; but I am not a SPOONIE – I am not a negative nancy pants – I am Lily.  I wasn’t made to be angry, I was made to survive this – to feel it, but motivate others who are scared of it.  Chronic pain is rough.  Chronic pain is terrifying.  Chronic pain is stressful.

It’s taken me awhile to get here.  Awhile to know that I am strong, inspiring, and able.  Awhile to feel like I am growing in the sun…. my petals extending… breathing… loving.  I am more than this pain.  I am more than a limited amount of things I can do in my day.

I am a Lily of the field.  I am beautiful.  I’m a survivor.  I’m an achiever.  I’m not alone.

Your chronic pain is not your own – walk… give it away.  Fueling the pain with the anger/depression = a cycle of pain that you cannot end alone.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200311/anger-pain-and-depression