Being open. Finding the positivity in being angry, being exposed and living a non-fake life.

Day 5, of 21 days of positivity!

Today’s yoga practice was about openness – being open.

Until recently this has been something that I’ve struggled with, for numerous reasons; but mainly that I’ve never been comfortable exposing myself.  I am a strong personality, and feeling exposed or weak has always terrified me.  While I was opening my body, hips and stretching my back in pigeon pose I started thinking….. Not all positives have to be literal good things.

While I was opening my heart, my head and my soul it hit me, I am positively happy about being able to admit that sometimes I am angry about my Lupus.  Sometimes I don’t wear a happy mask and I allow myself to be exposed.

It’s only been within the last year that I feel like I’ve started living.  I’m 35 and I am finally surrounding myself with people who know and understand my struggles.  Up until then, I have been hiding my pain, my anxiety and my fears – putting on a happy mask for others, in order to not disrupt their comfort.

I’ve always tiptoed around myself.

As much as being happy all the time can be a positive for others, it was a BIG…. HUGE… negative for me.  I knew that I wasn’t living.  I had fake friends, friends who had literally NO idea how I felt, who I was or what I was going through.  This made my flares, pain and feels so much worse – because they were met with shame.

I was ashamed of my illness and terrified of what other people would think – I maintained unfulfilling relationships with people who were fine with surface JJ.  This is a huge negative, I never fully gave myself to another person; I was just existing in someone else’s life.  Being what they wanted me to be.  Growing depressed.  Gaining more anxiety and fear.  Having more flares from the high stress level of being a fake people.

James and his pop have changed my life.  The two of them have helped me realize that it’s ok to be exposed.  It’s ok to be open.  In fact it’s good to be open, it’s good to be exposed, and it’s good to be living.

Being open is my positive for today.  It’s changed my life.


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