Today I see clearly, but yesterday I didn’t… Pain destroys my line of thinking someday.

The best part of being a couple with James is the trust, comfort and openness that has come with our relationship.  Aside from the good we also discuss the bad, the ugly and the hard.  I’m not going to say that this is easy, it’s far from that; but it has given us a deeper understanding of each other.

I’ve been tiptoeing the line of a flare… teetering back and forth… it’s been rough.  Yesterday I woke up in extreme pain and just feeling like mush mush.  Instead of taking my time to heal, which I never do (and should) I got fighty and mean.  Instead of focusing on positives I turn to negatives and extremes, I am not sure why I move to this line of thinking; but I do.

I really wasn’t fully aware that I do this, until James called me on it.

I understand his frustration, he sees me get sick and wants to help, and I snap and get mean.  I’m sure some people will not understand what I am saying but I am going to try to describe myself as best as I can…

Here it goes…

I hate being sick.

I hate it.

Everyday there is a reminder somewhere that I am sick.  I have a chronic illness.  I will always be this way.  There is no cure and the road to getting worse is paved for me – with no speed limit posted.

Flares remind me full force that I am sick.

Flares are the worst of the worst of my illness.  They are the shiny reminder that someday I could be like this every day.  They are the scary reminder that my body hates me, and is focused on killing itself; not healing itself.  They are the destroyer of hope.  They do nothing more than remind me, every second; that this is my life…. Pain, pain, pain and pain.

This pain + fear of the future of my Lupus + no cure = mean/scared/timid/hiding JJ

How do I describe this…. It’s like when people find out I’m sick and apologize to me for it or feel sorry for me for it – pity people.  I hate that.  I despise the pity people.  It’s no one’s fault that I am sick, it happened.  I’m not sorry for myself, why should anyone else be?!

When I am flaring, and James asks if he can help me; with something as simple as carrying something upstairs – I immediately assume pity.  Looking back on it – I’m honestly not sure if he treats me differently when I am flaring or if it’s in my head because I want to see the bad to everything.

I want to hate everything.

I get to a point with my pain that I could destroy something beautiful, just to do it.  It’s like it’s my way of owning the fear…. Controlling the fear.

I am terrified of what the future holds with my Lupus.  When I am not flaring these feels stay pretty hidden, unacknowledged, seated in the lobby with no number.  When I am flaring they are the only thing I can think about – they are the only truth to me.

This is a hard struggle for me, and something that I need to focus on rectifying.  If STRESS = FLARES, then how (as James put it) does EXTRA STRESS + NEGATIVE ENERGY help the FLARE?!

I’m not sure where to start…. Today I see clearly, but yesterday I did not.  It’s going to be a process, but today I’m trying – that’s all I can do.

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